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Case File No. 29-OVRTD01 – Dept. of Bud & Order
Investigating Officer: Matty Ridge
Jurisdiction: Backyard, Shed, and Occasionally the Pub
Opening Statement
Court is now in session. The defendant? Cannabis culture.
The charges? Inflated hype, cooked numbers, and crimes against common sense.
Now, don’t get it twisted. The plant itself is a living legend. But the circus that’s built up around it? Overrated. Today, we present the evidence.
Exhibit A: The Numbers Scam
Prosecutor Ridge calls THC to the stand.
You’ve seen the menus: “34% THC!” flashing like neon at a dodgy casino. But here’s the truth — THC is a loudmouth witness. Sure, he’ll hit you quick, but the high fizzles out faster than a flat beer.
Cross-examination: “Does high THC always mean better?”
Witness THC: (sweats profusely) “Uh… no, Your Honour.”
Verdict: Chasing THC alone is like bolting a turbo to a rust-bucket ute. Impressive for 3 seconds, then the wheels fall off.
Matty’s Pro Tip: Don’t worship numbers. Trust your nose — terps never lie.
Exhibit B: The Cure-All Conspiracy
Exhibit introduced: WD-40 can, labelled “Miracle Weed.”
The industry peddles cannabis like it’s duct tape for the soul. Bad day? Smoke. Can’t sleep? Smoke. Flat tyre? Smoke. Ex walked out? Smoke.
Truth: Cannabis is a bloody good mate, but it’s not a miracle worker. If you’re expecting it to fix every crack in your life, you’ll be sorely disappointed (and still single).
Exhibit C: The Corporate Weed Swindle
Enter Exhibit C: “The Hay Bale Special.”
Bulk-grown, machine-harvested, flavourless. The McDonald’s cheeseburger of cannabis.
It’s why half the world thinks weed “tastes like grass.” They’ve only smoked corporate cash crops, not real craft genetics.
Matty’s Pro Tip: If it smokes like hay, walk away. Life’s too short for lawn clippings.
Exhibit D: The Instagram Illusion (Curveball)
New evidence presented.
Perfect nug shots online? 90% of them are filtered harder than an influencer’s holiday selfie. Shiny, frosty, flawless… then you buy it and get a limp nug that smells like cardboard.
Cross-examination:
“Sir, is this the same bud pictured online?”
Dealer sweats: “It’s the same… with lighting. And… angles. And… Photoshop.”
Exhibit E: What’s Actually Underrated
Here’s the part the hype machine won’t tell you.
- Terpenes & Flavour → The spice rack of cannabis. The real orchestra behind the high.
- Growing Your Own → Forget Uber Eats weed. Growing is rebellion — dirty hands, proud jars.
- Experience → A sunrise joint with mates will beat a shopping-centre dab pen every day of the week.
- Failure (the hidden gem) → Every grower’s best harvest comes after killing a plant or two. Mistakes are the secret sauce.
Matty’s Pro Tip: Don’t chase unicorn strains. Master one keeper cut and you’ll never look back.
Closing Argument
So is cannabis overrated? The plant? Never. The hype? Guilty on all charges.
It’s not about lab numbers, miracle claims, or Insta-nug illusions. It’s about terps, time, and the joy of growing your own.
Final Ruling:
– Hype: Guilty.
– Plant: Legendary.
– Case: Closed.
Filed and signed,
Officer Ridge — Dept. of Bud & Order
Couldn’t agree more